Remember Everything
by KaitlinRoxUrSox
Summary: While Emily, or Lauren, rather, is waiting for her pregnancy test, she is haunted by an old choice she made, and contemplates new ones, regarding her life, and relationship with Ian. ONESHOT.


**a/n: On Tumblr there was an ask me anything fandom edition and I asked my tumblr best friend, FashionableRaid (on fanfic) or Ianemilyfatalattraction (on tumblr) a question which was like a song that reminds you of your OTP. And it was Remember Everything by Five Finger Death Punch, so I looked up the lyrics, and decided to write a oneshot from it. So this is dedicated to you, Kelsey! :) Thanks for the inspiration! And to all you who read this, read her stories….she's amazing. Read. Review. Enjoy. Repeat. :P**

I stared at the photograph in my lap, and watched as a lone tear splashed on the glossy paper. I ran my finger over the faces.

"God I'm so sorry," I whisper to the picture. I am alone. No one can hear me now. It's just me in this bathroom. Me and this stupid stick that is resting on the counter.

The five minutes I've been waiting have been the longest five minutes of my life. It feels like an eternity. And it's all for a tiny plus sign, or negative sign- the tiny sign that could change my life for ever.

There was nothing I could but wait. Wait…and pray, that it will be a negative sign appearing.

I stare at the picture. It felt like so long ago. I was fifteen. It was a picture of me, my mother and my father. My parents were standing on either side of me, but even if you weren't there, you could just see the tension between us. They knew, even thought I hadn't, and wouldn't tell them, that something was wrong. But as always, they swept it under the rug, because politics and work were the most important part of their lives. The photo was taken about two days before I had made the ultimate fuck up- the biggest mistake of my life. I closed my eyes, and was taken back to that time.

_"Hey, it's gonna be okay," my best friend, Matthew told me._

_ "I know," I sighed, "I'm scared, though," I admitted. It wasn't something I did normally- told people how I felt. And that's because I was a Prentiss. A Prentiss put on a smile, even when they wanted to cry. A Prentiss stood tall, even when they felt like their life was falling apart. And a Prentiss stayed strong, even when they knew their world was ending._

_ "I know you are. And I'm sorry," Matthew said quietly. I took a deep breath, begging myself, in my head of course, not to ask the question I so desperately wanted to. I had an internal argument with myself for at least five minutes, before I caved, regretfully so._

_ "Hold my hand?" I asked so quietly, that I wasn't even sure if I had said it. But Matthew, being the friend he was, had heard it._

_ "Always," he said, and he grasped my cold hand tightly, as the doctor entered the room._

I opened my eyes, ripped the photo into four quarters, and threw it into the toilet, and flushed it.

"I'm sorry," I whispered again. This time, it wasn't to my parents- the parents who had never cared for me, the parents who I was never good enough for. This time, it was to my baby, that I had gotten rid of.

At the time, I was selfish. I was so terrified for myself, and what my parents would say, and do to me if they found out I was pregnant. I was only thinking only thinking of the present and the very near future.

I didn't know that I feel the never ending guilt over shadowing me everywhere I went, every time I saw a child. I didn't know that suspecting that I was pregnant again would be my biggest fear. I didn't know that my decision over fifteen years ago would still haunt me and cause me to cry myself to sleep some nights.

And so, here I was, waiting to find out if I was pregnant, once again, trying to apologize to the baby I could have had, even though I know that 'sorry' can't change anything.

I stood, taking a deep breath. I knew, if I was pregnant, I would never be able to leave Ian, or Declan. That terrified me. I had to get home to my friends, my family; I had to get out of here.

But another part of me like the thought of never leaving, the thought of having a family, the thought of being a mother.

And that part scared me.

Never the less, eyes closed, I grabbed hold of the pregnancy test. I couldn't open my eyes, and I couldn't breathe. I opened my eyes, and saw the symbol.

"Oh shit," I murmured. I sank against the counter to the floor, and closed my eyes again.

"I think," I heard a voice begin, as the door opened and shut quickly, and my eyes shot open, "You have to have your eyes open, to see the result."

"Ian," I breathed.

"Why didn't you tell me that you thought you were pregnant?" He asked. He was using his cold and quiet voice. I couldn't tell if he was angry, calm or indifferent.

"I uh, just wanted to make sure…." I lied, hoping it would be convincing enough.

"And?" He asked, with a raised eyebrow.

"Positive," I said, barely a whisper. I lifted up the test for him to see.

"So it is," he replied, and he walked out of the bathroom.

"Ian?" I called, standing up, and tossing the test in the trash. In my head, all I was thinking was, _I'm sorry. I thought I was making the right choice._

"Ian?" I tried again.

"What?" He barked.

"I…I don't understand. Why are you angry with me?" I begged. Tears were forming in my eyes, and as soon as I felt them, I pushed them away, like a true Prentiss.

_My parents would be __**so**__ proud, _I thought, _The one thing they could be proud of._

"Did I ever tell you about Declan's mother?" He asked. I shook my head, and began backing slowly towards the door.

"Two months pregnant and she decided that she didn't want my baby. She tried to kill herself, and the baby," Ian said, suddenly growing angry, "So I chained her to the bed for seven months, until she gave birth, and then she ran away," Ian said with a shrug. He began following me, as I continued to back up.

"You….seven months?"

"Is that how you feel? Do you not want my baby?" Ian asked angrily. He pinned me to the wall. I bit my lip in fear.

I took a deep breath. I knew that this decision would change my life. If I said yes, I would be with him and Declan possibly forever, with a very slim to no chance of ever going home. If I said no, there would be no chance of me going home, and he'd probably kill me as soon as I'd give birth.

"Lauren? Louise and I are going outside!" I heard a voice call from downstairs. It was Ian's three year old son, Declan.

"Ok baby. Daddy and I will come out in a few minutes," I called, as Ian tightened his grip on me.

"Well, Lauren?" Ian asked, narrowing his eyes. And then, I did it. I kicked the door shut, and put my hands on his shoulders, and began caressing down his back. I took his lips with my own, and gave him a hot, opened mouthed kiss.

"Of course I do," I murmured. He growled as he came in for a bruising kiss. I moaned in agreement as his tongue found mine.

"Good," He muttered, and pushed me on to the bed, beginning to pull of my shirt.

_I'm sorry, _I thought, again, _I thought what I was doing was right_


End file.
